I can still remember the first time I saw her:

Flowing, shiny brunette locks elegantly complimented by beautiful doe eyes. A vibrant smile and adorable cackle that could light the darkest of hearts. She was was wonderful. I was enamored.

I used my go-to “I have a jet-ski, it’s fun, we should go on it some time…” line hoping for another moment that I would get to share with her. She rebuffed this as she has many of my other requests, but, I always felt that we were very compatible regardless. While we had a lot of differences in hobbies, tastes in music and things of that sort, we always seemed to make it work and spawn a convergence of commonalities which yielded fun and a sheer enjoyment of one another’s company.

That’s been elusive for a long while now. We’ve made half-hearted attempts to patch it, none have stuck. Maybe there’s blame to allocate, maybe not. I know I’m very fallible and I am to blame for a lot. I have many faults and issues. I have anger problems and a flare for cynicism and sarcasm. I’m withdrawn, aloof, pessimistic and generally disagreeable. I’ve been working to get a handle on these impediments and grow from my lessons learned but, perhaps not as successfully as I’d like.

Yet, I know I’ve also been repeatedly trying to once again secure that feeling of fun, wonder, happiness and excitement between us. I’ve attempted this subliminally and overtly, both of which seem to have failed. I’ve tried getting gifts and planning activities that spark excitement, camaraderie and a sense of past intrigue, contentment and happiness. I have openly asked to do activities together, any activities really. This seems to be met with confounded looks, sarcastic bemusement and placating tendencies.

“C‘Mon, you want to go down and play air hockey or table tennis?” she says wryly with a hint of condescension.

Even still, I was willing to take it. Granted, it was clearly meant to mock my feelings and what I had discussed with her but it was still a reprieve from our monotony. After I first expressed my feelings about the state of our relationship and how little things like that may help, she was dismissive but still agreed to attempt to rectify our partnership. Yet, this was only attempted once, and begrudgingly at that. It was also met with a touch of indifference and void of empathy.

I’ll ask her to ride bikes: no. Hikes: no. Walks: I don’t feel like it. Kayaking: no. Fire pit and wine: I don’t like the way it makes my hair smell. Hot tub: I don’t like that. Gym: I don’t like working out with you, you push more than I do and it’s not fun. Seemingly every activity I request, there’s a “nay” response, and usually one with an accusatory tone to explain the reason why it is a “no” steeped in fault attributed to me. Maybe I deserve that, I don’t know. I have even asked to “craft” with her since that’s something she’s interested in and that is wholly responded with a “no” in some fashion or another.

My other “favorite” response she gives is that she has to work in the morning and likes to go to bed early. She’s routinely in bed by 9/9:30pm and gets home from work around 5:30pm. After cooking dinner and spending time with our son, she’s tired, I get that. I am too. Yet, it’d be nice to have some time with one another that doesn’t include scrolling our phones or half-listening to something on Netflix in the background.

This creates a great deal of tension when I bring it up. “I like to go to bed early. I have to get up early (7:30am.) Yet, oddly enough, when she has plans with friends that extend past 9 pm on a work night, it seems she’s suddenly impervious to the consequences that materialize if she would do the same with me. Don’t get me wrong, I love that she spends time with her friends. This is extremely healthy and welcomed. I wish she did more of it! It’s the double standard that leaves me a bit bitter and questioning the caliber of enjoyment she experiences with me versus others during these sensitive “evening-before” work hours.

We have a beautiful house. It’s amazing. As much as it causes me grief and hassle keeping up with it, I love it. It’s a huge stretch of property, nestled in the woods. The lot hosts an old brick facade, complimented with a majestic gravel driveway that chirps every time someone pulls into it. It’s one of the things I’ll miss most if we can’t get it together.

Over the last few years I feel as though I have spent and enormous amount of blood, sweat and tears trying to perfect our home and property. I also feel this was mostly a solo endeavor. Sure, she would help sporadically or if I requested assistance, but it never seemed to matter that much to her. To me, this was our castle. I saw it as our fort, our abode. Yet, to her it seems to be just another place dotting another map some where.

As I see it, I put a great deal of work into it. Moreover, the amount of maintenance required is extraordinary. However I feel that she does not put the same amount of work, effort, and soul into it as I do. I feel like I’m the lone maintainer, and she’s the lone complainer. Rarely is there a compliment for my attempts but rather a “I just want it done nice, for once we should hire someone and go it right and nice,” comment. Never mind that the “nice and right” hiring often comes at an exorbitant price tag.

I always feel that my efforts or attempts are harshly critiqued or, at minimum, under appreciated. I’m reminded of the “Fall Out Boy” song where our protagonist pleads “I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses.” I feel as though I spend a grossly unequal amount of time on the house and property than that of my partner and it is something that plagues my psyche daily. It’s even to the point where I’ve stopped doing laundry, dishes, vacuuming and the like because I can no longer stomach the inequality of work distribution around here.

Sex. We used to have a lot of it and different types. Toys, costumes, different positions, venues, you name it. It was glorious, spicy, and initiate. She was a dynamo and I felt this was a wonderful compliment to other facets of our relationship.

Sadly, like other aspects of our association, this has degraded as well. When it does happen it’s staged, routine and mechanical. Any deviations, or attempts at such, are not openly embraced and rather scorned and avoided.

When I discuss how important sex is to me and how we used to have an exponentially more colorful sex life, I’m usually met with two retorts.

The first retort: “well, I’m a mom now and those days are over.” No further explanation mentioned, no additional elaboration. Period, the end.

The second: “you turn to sex to deal with your ptsd and other stress-related issues.” Well now, where do I begin? One, maybe this is true, but if so, is that necessarily the worst outlet? Should I turn to drugs, violence and alcohol? Is that preferable? How does one reply to this? I do so, internally, silently and with resentment.

Both responses leave me feeling ashamed, inadequate, empty and sad. Yet, I dare not continue to argue on my behalf as that seems to be met with more disdain and vehemently derisive responses, all of which exacerbate my unpleasant feelings.

On that point, we rarely exchange communications that don’t end in arguments or at minimum, differences in opinion. If I say it’s black, she’s says it’s white. Simple things like what phrase our son was uttering…

“He’s saying Dad, the water’s gone.” He explains.

“No! He’s not saying that!” She replies with a supplication of some alternative phrase he uttered.

I press our child for more details and within moments he reveals that yes, in fact, he was saying “water’s gone,” referring to water he previously spilled earlier in the day. While it may seem petty to do such a thing with my partner and child, this minimal vindication helps to remind me that I am not crazy and these tiffs regularly occur.

This sort of thing happens routinely on various ends of the spectrum of severity. I do it too. I’ll nit-pick non-essential words and phrases just to start a fight. I don’t know why I do it. Part of me thinks I do it to seek vengeance for the wrongs I perceived have been done against me. Part of me thinks I do it to try and earn a win once in a while, for the sake of my sanity and self esteem.

I could go on and on. It seems that every inch of our relationship is plagued by adversity. This saddens me greatly. Much of my life from work, to family issues and everything in between seems to be highlighted by turmoil and affliction. I desperately need an outlet void of this and she was supposed to be that outlet. Yet, that is not the case nor does it seem likely to be the case any time soon.

I feel that we are are two vastly different wavelengths, ones that no longer converge but grow further apart as the years tick by. I feel as though I’ve made multiple underlying efforts, subliminal hints through gifts, suggestions and comments. I’ve also poured my heart out a few times and even asked that we maybe try couple’s counseling. I’m told that’s not needed because there’s “nothing wrong with her” which I. automatically interpret as there are things wrong with me, solely me.

I find myself at a crossroads. I have a woman I love, truly love, but whose company leaves me anxious, fearful and unhappy most days. We have a son who we both love dearly and whose happiness and stability is paramount. Yet I know my unhappiness and aloofness are likely impacting him and will continue to do so.

She rarely appears happy as well. I’m sure she has an antithetical compliment of comments to address what I have poured out here, but, she rarely communicates them unless it’s in a reactive, defensive way. We are terrible communicators and this is a major feature of ours issues as well.

“Blink 182” had a song, “Stay together for the kids,” and until recently, I thought that was the best course of action. I now find myself questioning that. What if staying together engenders more pain, discontent and poor examples of human interactions? Is that really what’s best for him, our son? I’m forty-years-old, and who knows how many years I’ll have left on this earth. Do I want to spend them anxious, on-edge, unhappy? Or would I rather spend them smiling, laughing, enjoying all the world has to offer? Which is the better example for my son?

I don’t know what the future holds but I know change is imminent. It’s required for the good and health of all involved. Time will tell which way the pendulum will swing and what alterations, and hopeful improvements, appear in its wake. Hope for brighter tomorrows are what I seek and I wish to share them with her. I hope that can happen.

Yet, whatever happens, I need a change and soon.